Requiem Aeternam
by Suzie's Q
Summary: James visits Lily's grave.


Don't own! Please don't kill me! Also, yes this looks familiar because it was part of a collection, but I am really proud of this so I wanted to post it separately. I'll probably do the same with the others for other reasons. I'm a little insane. Happy reading!

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><p><strong>jily au week, day two, survival au<br>****in which james has survived but lily hasn't**

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><p><strong>Requiem Aeternam<br>**Summary: James visits Lily's grave.  
>Pairing: JL  
>Word Count: 1,047<br>Rating: K

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><p>He never gets used to this. He goes to that grave every day of his life, and he will never – <em>ever – <em>get used to it, to kneeling down in front of it and reading the name of his beautiful, youthful wife, who cannot be much more than dust and ash by now. He stares at the name, until his eyes are so full with tears he can't see it anymore. He wishes, more than anything, that he could have traded places with her, that he could have been the one buried in the ground. Lily was too young, and too sweet, and too wonderful. He didn't even deserve the short amount of time he had with her, but he still feels like he's been robbed.

He wonders will it ever go away – the overwhelming, crippling grief that keeps him rooted to the spot for hours. As close to her as he can, because a very long time ago, a much happier time, he made a promise to her that he would always be by her side, and nothing's changed.

Then he looks over, at the little boy who is just like him in appearance, but reminds James so much of Lily that it hurts, the one thing that keeps him from giving in, the one thing that dulls the pain and grief enough for him to keep going.

He's never brought him to the grave before. Not like this. He's been here on the days where everybody was – her anniversary, even sometimes her birthday or their wedding anniversary. But James goes to that grave by himself, every day, and he has never brought Harry on one of those visits. He was too young, too innocent, and James could never bear the thought of bringing his son, the son that Lily gave him, to the place where he said goodbye to his wife.

Lily left him plenty of things – letters, photographs, the happiest memories any one person could have – but Harry is the only thing, the one thing that eases the pain. The rest just make it worse. Harry is the only thing that comes close to his wife, and he is eternally grateful to her for giving him his son, even if she couldn't be around to see him grow.

He's told her all about Harry. How his first word was 'mama', and he wished that she had been the one he'd said it too. How he smiled when he saw pictures of her. About how he loves all the books that she swore someday she'd read to him, the ones James made sure he read every night. How hard he tries to give their son the best life he can, because he can think of no other way to repay her.

Harry's a little older now, and he still doesn't know why, but James feels like he should be here. Like it was time. It has brought them closer than James could have ever imagined, losing her. Harry holds his hand and stays quiet, because he has never seen his father cry before but he knows that he is now. He rarely comes here without crying.

He looks and sees that his son's eyes – Lily's, _so _like Lily's – are full of tears as well. He gives his hand a squeeze and nods, and the little boy steps forward and lays the flowers in his hand on the grave. He speaks softly, his head bowed, words James can't hear, but he doesn't try to hear. That's between him and his mother.

After a few minutes – James doesn't even try to pretend he's not in tears anymore – the little boy, so small for his age, turns and wraps his arms tightly around James' neck. James hugs him to his chest tightly, squeezing his eyes shut.

"She's so proud of you, Harry," he mumbles, kissing his head. He'd do anything to give the boy his mother, even if it meant in his place. Lily was born to be a mother. James knows she would have been so amazing, she would have always known what to say and what to do and how to help their son, and James is reminded of that especially at the times when he doesn't know what to say or how to help. But he tries, because she would do anything to try, and she's not around to do it. So he tries for her, and does everything that he knows she would have done, as best as he can.

Harry nods, and for such a small boy, his next words are startlingly caring. "She's proud of you too." It's what his mother would have said. James doesn't know what to say. Sometimes, Harry reminds him so much of her, of her kindness, her gentle nature, that he can't find the words.

But Harry has them.

"You say it's okay to cry."

He nods, blinking at the boy standing across from him, their eyes level. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."

His hand finds Harry again – it's so small in his, so soft and delicate – and he forces a tearful smile and nods his head. "Do you want to say goodbye?"

Harry nods, his perfect green eyes glistening with tears again. "Can I come back tomorrow?" James nods. Harry turns and kisses the headstone, murmuring something again.

They stand for a second, the two of them, looking at the grave, on which is marked the name of the person who was the best of their lives – James, for as long as she was with him, and Harry, who would never know. In his mind's eye, he can see her, beaming at him with her face glowing once she says her vows. It's her wedding day, and she was so beautiful, and he sees her every day, as beautiful as she was that day. And she always will be.

He doesn't say anything else. He doesn't need to. He doesn't need to tell her that he loves her. She knows.

It gives him strength, her smile, to take a deep breath and turn away, to face another day without her and to do the very best for their son, because that's how she would have wanted it. She gives him the strength, and he does it for her.

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><p>Thanks for reading!<p>


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